"I write, therefore I am."

This may not make sense. It's jumbled. But sometimes you just need to write. Or blog. And so you do. I love when stories just flow out of me. When I don't have to wrack my brain and consider this and that, and wonder about the other, and then go back and make sure that everything is plausible, or realistic, or coming across the way that I want. When I just sit down, and the words just pour forth, like a cup running over. That's been happening to me recently on some pieces I'm working on and I'm quite pleased. Interestingly, and maybe not by chance, these pieces are ones I've been doing by hand. I wrote 1600 words, and then another 1200, and then a third set I've yet to transcribe into type. But it's the old writing - the way writing used to be for me. The joy is there, and that's so, so important to me. I can't boil it down into a sure-fire recipe, but I know enough to know when I can put my thumb on it; and this is working. I hate how sloppy...

I got up this morning and knew that today, for the first time in about a month, I was going to work. I was going to write. And that it wasn't an April Fool's joke. And the absolute, most infuriating thing about that is that I cannot tell you why or how today is different from yesterday. It's actually mind-boggling. If I had an inkling, then I would know for next time. I would get there faster, I would break down less, I would not waste as much energy and effort getting absolutely nothing accomplished. And part of it may just be waiting. Everything should be balanced. Play is just as important as work. If you push and push and push to work, then you will fail. Some people have developed an ability to dig deep and "push through," but I think those people are white-knuckling and they are gonna break down. When I broke down, I just embraced it. I struggled, sure, and I said, I don't like this and I want this go away and I want to get things down and have th...

We're told social media is too happy, too idealistic, too sterilized from real life. We share triumphs, victories, achievements, celebrate and congratulate, but are we ever honest? What about when it's hard? When it's too much? When you would do anything to get out the place where you are? Why doesn't that ever show up? Are we too afraid of appearing weak? Vulnerable? Of fishing for compliments? Support? Be brave. Courageous. How many of your virtual friends would you feel comfortable calling up when you're complete wreck, knowing that they'd stop what they're doing and rush to your aide? Two? Depression is so hard to understand: Its causes, its symptoms, its lingering, its suffocation, its intricate interactions and interconnections with other disorders and mental health states. Pick yourself up. Start again. Step by step. Just do a little. I want to scream. The moments where nothing's okay and everything seems wrong and the task ahead is insur...

I wasn't sure where to put this, so it's going here. Since I cut my hair and have been trying to slowly work my way back into the Ultimate world, I've decided I need to be more serious about some things. I want to be more dedicated. I want to try harder. I want to give more. So in light of that I wrote up some daily goals today. Writing them down is the first step to doing them. Then I did them. They are lofty, and ambitious, and I'm sure that I will fail. Many times. But failure is part of the process of building success. You don't just throw a victory banner up and celebrate because you're already done. That would involve zero effort and zero growth. Next, I will keep them. Because change isn't about one day. It's about the long run, the habit, the permanent difference. It's time to get into a routine. And then stick it, over and over and over. No, it's not January. And tomorrow isn't even July yet (but we're close). But here's ...

Journal Entry dated July 16, 1995* Dear Bartholomew: Hi again, it's just another boring day in the life of David. So from now on we'll do stories to make things better. Well here goes nothing. }{}{}{}{}{ I'm Patrick and it's 11:00PM at night. I'm very tired but I can't sleep because my little brother won't stop sucking his thumb. I hate that SSUUCCKKing noise. Ah, finally he stopped now maybe I can get some sleep... zzzz, zzzzz. Next Morning (A few hours later). Hey! Pat get uupp! It's already 5:00AM. What!, I yelled as I sat up, only 5:00AM, Uh, Uh, I'm not getting up until 8:00 I said drearily as my once again shut. But, Pat we have to do paper }KLUNK! THUD were the last two things I heard before everything went black. TO BE CONTINUED... *Original punctuation and formatting preserved. --- I was clearly meant to be a writer, right? Laughing so hard at myself right now. #TBT

I write, therefore I am healthy .

First off - If you haven't read Ender's Game , do so. Second, after doing so, go see the movie. If you've done neither of those, probably don't read this. Me writing about Ender is nothing new per se, but in some ways it is, so here we go again. Ender. Ender's Game . If you've forgotten the past, feel free to refresh yourself. This and this are my most important writings to date on Ender. Ender and I have been an experience and journey like no other. Years we've been on this road, and now the movie adds a new layer to that. I -against all trepidations about doing so- went and saw it. I will note here (this could easily spiral out of control into its own rant-y diatribe, so I will not let it) my extreme dislike of Card as a person for his personal agenda/beliefs. His homophobia is rampant and very problematic. However, I must say that Ender is still one of the characters that hits closest to home for me -deeply, wholly, on ALL levels of who I am- and so...

A good friend of mine made a facebook post on December 5th, asking people's opinions on two questions. She specifically tagged me, asking my thoughts. I had to mull on it for a while, but I felt like my thoughts were important enough that I didn't want to share with just her. I've discoursed before on bullying in other forums, including my experience when she invited to go visit the kids in detention with her. Knowing that she's going to weigh heavily my response and have it help shape her discourse with them made me feel like these next words would be even more important. The questions to consider #1-- What is the difference between "unique" and "odd"? #2-- What makes someone an "original" or a "freak"? Alot of people gave the standard, sort of knee-jerk reaction answers. Two of the words are how we define ourselves and help build us up, while the others are negatives other label us with to tear us down. That sort of thin...

We've survived Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Now, I would like to invite you to consider participating with me in #GIVINGTUESDAY. This is an opportunity to share some of the blessings you have received with those in need. Please take a moment and consider donating to either of the wonderful non-profits I work for. SADS Foundation - By supporting the SADS Foundation, you are helping save young lives. Your generous contribution supports the mission of supporting the families and saving the lives of those affected by SADS conditions. Your financial contribution to the SADS Foundation supports awareness, medical education, family support, and directing public policy. https://www.sads.org/Donate?honorOf=Name#.Up4TmCclhB4 House of Hope - Our mission is to provide addiction recovery, and behavioral health services that help reclaim and rebuild lives, strengthen families, instill accountability, and promote personal growth. https://www.houseofhopeut.org/donate.php #GivingTuesd...

So I connected my blog to my google profile and then it erased my description... I went back and found the cached version just so I could have it. I just didn't want to lose the wonderfulness that was my description. "I am smitten with esoteric wanderlust. I am plagued by an imagination that forces my hand to eke out pithy pontifications on parchment. I am hopeless, I am nothing, I am everything. I am brilliance, I am dumb apathy. I am evinced and cowering. I have surmounted challenges, effaced difficulties, thrived through struggles, and embraced victories. I do not know what my future holds, just that is rife with adventure, spontaneity, and happiness."

Langston Hughes had a number of thoughts on A Dream Deferred . I don't have answers to all of his questions, but I've finally arrived at what I feel is a suitable answer for me: A Dream Deferred is Not A Dream Defeated. It took me some time to wrap my fingers around that place of clarity and hold on for all I was worth. I'm still clutching kind of frantically. In those first moments, I felt like I was back in 2006, redefining everything about myself and my world. How was this possible? These plans... my entire life had been marching solidly in one direction for the last 18 months and then all of a sudden... just like that... snap of my fingers... and it's gone. The overwhelming reality mocked me, and everything fell away. How had I been so misled? How had I not seen this upfront? How could it spiral so far out of my grasp in just seconds? The sense of loss, overwhelming. The disappointment, crushing. The stark reality, just black. One of those moments you never ...

2012 is over. So I should probably be over it. As usual, I don't think this list is comprehensive, but it shows I am clicking on things. Actually, this list seems really, really, really short. Like seriously...oh well. Usual disclaimers: No guarantee any links will work. Not a comprehensive list. Don't read if there's going to be something that offends you. One teacher’s approach to preventing gender bullying in a classroom What's the 'gayest' U.S. city? Not necessarily the most gay friendly I have a letter to read from the Stake Presidency Ender's Game hitting big screen with big names Proof that Utah isn't the only state with insane politics 'Firefly' returning to cable; Fillion says he'd play Mal again Settlers + Star Trek = Nerdgasm You'll only appreciate this if you watch The Walking Dead... Same thing here Racism is alive and well and The Hunger Games proves it BYU’s Gay Mormon Panel a Huge Success, Overfl...

Patrick Rothfuss' The Wise Man's Fear - Grade: A+. AGH! WHY IS HE SOOOO GOOD?! This book was like literally 1000 pages and I just read and read and read them until there were none left and then I was heartbroken. Every word is necessary, every page is rife with story and excitement, and yet there's STILL SO MUCH he is keeping from us! I want to know all! I want to know now! One of the best books/series I've read this year, bar none. Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman's Dragons of the Dwarven Depths - The Lost Chronicles, Vol. 1 - Grade: B-. If you've been following along, you know that I love me some Dragonlance . So when I discovered that they had, years later, penned a trilogy that took place in the MIDDLE of the original trilogy, I was apprehensive but excited. My mixed feelings proved to be with good reason. The storyline was a little shaky, but the characters I know and love were all there and all written properly. However, the authors seemed to have forgo...

I AM A DREAMER. I WILL NOT SETTLE, I WILL NOT LEAD A NORMAL LIFE, I WILL NOT FIND SOME STUPID JOB THAT I HATE AND JUST BE MISERABLE. I'M SORRY IF THAT'S UPSETTING OR OFFENSIVE, BUT I WON'T. I AM A DREAM CHASER. And I will fight every day to have them. And I will never stop until I draw my last breath. Thank you to all those who believed in me before I believed in myself. I owe so much to you. And thank you to all those who continue to believe in me and buoy me up as I continue fighting every day to make them reality. I am so, so blessed. "Roots Before Branches" [Rachel:] So many things To do and say But I can't seem To find my way But I wanna know how I know I'm meant For something else But first I gotta find myself But I don't know how [Rachel with Finn harmonizing:] Oh, why do I reach for the stars When I don't have wings To carry me that far? [Rachel with Finn:] I gotta have Roots before branches To know who I...

So as many people know, I was in Dallas this past weekend helping my brother move so he could start a new job. However, on my way to the airport I left my phone at his house. I discovered this when I was ready to check-in. In a mad dash, I flew back down the escalator and got to my brother before he pulled out to drive away. We searched his car and I upended most of my things frantically. It became evident that I had not had my phone on the 40-minute drive to the airport, and that it had to be at his house. Unfortunately, I had to work on Monday and all the flights for Sunday didn't look good, and so this was the last flight out of the day, and I had to be on it. No time to go back. When my brother got back to his apt, he discovered that indeed my phone was there. He took it to a FedEx shipping center and overnighted it to me, but since it was the weekend they weren't shipping. It would go out Monday and arrive Tuesday by 3pm guaranteed. However, the tracking number he gave...

I have to say that I'm really excited for Election Day. Because it's an opportunity for me to stand up and say that my voice matters. And it does. And I don't have to necessarily side with either of the two parties backed by ridiculous, absurd amounts of $$$ coming from PACs and Super-PACs. I can vote for the person I believe most accurately represents me. Which is what everyone should be doing, no matter the state, no matter the party, no matter the debates. I commend and applaud all the third-party candidates who were unable to get time on the big screen in the main presidential debates, because we are focused on the broken two-party system. This is supposed to be a democracy, not a left-against-right battle. The work they are doing to make sure that everyone has an equal voice and an equal opportunity receives not only my nod of approval, but my support. Watching the third-party debate was enlightening, and refreshing. Many people I hear whining about how their vo...

I tell everyone all the time that I am a writer. But really, what do I write? Because I'll even confess to not writing as much as I should be. Part of this I attribute to laziness. Part to ADHD. Part to anxiety. Part to...I could make a really long list. Suffice it to say that a few days ago I dredged my computer for excerpts and scenes from my novel, and I found way more than I realized I had. Go me! I *AM* a writer! Including whole scenes that I think about and say "hmm this will be difficult to write." Yeah, except I already wrote it!!! :) So to help me overcome some of my obstacles... I've been trying to find ways to be more creative about my creativity. The newest foray: Choose-your-own-adventure-style collaborative decision-making. I've resurrected my other blog and will be peeling back the curtains on my writing. Which scares me to death. I'm also kind of excited. But I'm doing it anyway. I will be sharing characters, cities, world, etc., as...

50/50 (Jan 7) - Grade: B. Triple play action! To celebrate my newly-rediscovered freedom, we went to the Dollar Theatre for a triple-flick extravaganza! Woo! First was this movie which I had seen slated as a "comedy." And Seth Rogen was in it too. So I was thinking your Superbad, Knocked Up, Pineapple Express type of comedy I don't generally appreciate. But I believe this film was mislabeled. It was serious, and actually rather heavy amid its light-hearted comedic quips. I really enjoyed this film. Real Steel (Jan 7) - Grade: B-. A lot of people have hated on this movie for being absurd, horrid, ridiculous, etc. You name the adjective, it's probably been thrown at this movie. But I don't really agree. Granted, it's not your X-men , but I didn't think any of the acting was poorly done. It's a camp story, but it was executed in the right ways, and I enjoyed this flick just as much as the next kid. The Help (Jan 7) - Grade: A. I haven't rea...

James Dashner's The Death Cure - Grade: A. This is the third installment in The Maze Runner which, if you haven't started reading them, you should. Because they are pretty awesome. Again, I struggled to remember what happened in the previous book, especially some of the characters. I don't know if that's because they weren't developed well-enough to be memorable, or just that I suck at remembering. But again, Dashner is in his element, producing a heart-pounding, page-turning, gripping novel. As I got near the last 30 pages, I didn't want to keep reading, because THE END was coming! Nooooooooo!!! I don't WANT the end! My heart was racing for so much of the book. Dashner knows how to keep readers on the edge of their seats, that's for sure. I enjoyed this one alot. Rick Riordan's The Son of Neptune (second book in The Heroes of Olympus series) - Grade: A-. Another victory for Riordan. I struggled to get through this book at parts, but for the m...

So here we are again, except this year I'm posting this in October. So 2010 clearly wins . And you've all been good and read the Best of 2011... , right? You better! Also, can I just say - part of the reason I think I procrastinate posts like this (and the Best of's) is because they take SO LONG! I can't just gush and his "publish." These posts take work, editing, setup, comparison, etc. This post took me like 4 hours to completely write. The numbers are pretty interesting this go-round, and I'd say they have definitely been affected by Pandora. Because I could listen to that at work, but not my iPod/iTunes. So my #4 from last year comes in just under the #1 for this year, but then I have 9 songs this year that received less plays than the #25 last year. So there's alot more disparity in numbers in 2011. I went on a shopping spree right at the end of 2010, so alot of new music, plus further buys in 2011 based on my Pandora loves. There's almos...