True Confessions: 8.

"Forgive me Father..."
"...for I have sinned."

And gravely so. True Confession of my soul:

8. I'm now subsisting below the poverty line. And it's SO hard on me.

I need to just openly admit this - not because I need charity, compassion, etc., but because I'm so fricking PRIDEFUL that I'm first and foremost mortified for anyone to know this. So I'm saying it out loud so you all know.

This week I went to the Bishop's Storehouse to get food. I, yes I, prideful, independent, doesn't need help from anyone, got food today from the Storehouse. 4 hours of service work to "pay" for it, but still. This is killing me.

I just want a job that actually MAKES USE of my degree, and skills - writing. Something. Anything. I don't care if I have to write Real Estate papers. I don't care if it's in advertising, legal, marketing, just as long as I get to use my tenacity for English and my passion for word-play. I don't want to work at Target, or a call center, or in a sales position.

With the way life INSISTS on continually, repeatedly, and practically unremittingly KICKING MY FACE IN, is that too much to ask for? Am I being a snotty, whiny, sutck-up school-brat here? I just want a job that makes sense of all the hard-earned money I spent to get my stupid piece of paper that would be more useful in providing me warmth via a trash can fire than it is now on my wall.

My mom tells me 70% or more of recent college grads are without jobs right now. What a consolation. That still doesn't pay my rent of keep food on the table. ALL my money is gone, and now I'm taking charity and hand-outs. And searching desperately for jobs. I mean, hell, last week I broke down and applied at the LOCAL SUBWAY RESTAURANT. And anyone who truly knows me will understand the kind of desperation that entails. The dumb part is that I can't get a job anywhere but here because I'm locked into a housing contract now (although if I can't make rent next month, that may change rapidly and drastically...SIGH). So I'm stuck with Utah (not to mention I need to be here when/if my court case ever gets going again since my laywer saw fit to drop me. AGH).

I really meant to be happy today. To be positive. To tell you all why I'm been lamenting and not getting around to summer updates... I'm to busy looking for jobs. But this is becoming too much for me, and I'm crumpling even in my strong places.

I need a miracle. Or just a job. Your prayers are appreciated.


Hey, I am in the same boat and my prayers are with you
Bravone said…
David, I am sorry for your situation and feel the frustration in your writing. I too am prideful. A few years ago, following a double hernia operation, I crawled around on my hands and knees rather than accept help landscaping my yard.

While it is no consolation, accepting help from others, in whatever form, is a humbling process that ultimately refines us if we don't let it embitter us.

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